AITA for ignoring my friend’s calls after his husband passed away?

I used to be friends with my neighbor Eli. He has a husband, Leo. About 1.5 years ago I distanced myself from Eli mainly because he’s kind of selfish and wasn’t a very good friend. I was still very friendly with both Eli and Leo though as we very briefly ran into each other once in a while.

I’ve been very depressed recent months. After crying all morning, I went shopping just to get out of the house. While out, I saw a bunch of missed calls and a text from Eli saying: “Leo just passed, please answer.”

I called him and all I could understand through his crying was “please come over.” So I rushed back. I saw an ambulance outside of our building. I thought “I wonder if Leo is in it”. I could hear Eli screaming as I ran down the hallway to their apt, and as I opened the door, I saw Leo’s dead body on the floor and Eli hugging him, sobbing, inconsolable. They were watching TV when Leo suddenly got up and said he has pain in his chest, then collapsed. Paramedics came and pronounced him dead. They said we now have to wait for police.

We were waiting like this on the floor – Eli sobbing and hugging Leo’s body, and me hugging Eli – for almost 2 hrs. Then police came, and we sat on the couch right in front of Leo for another few hours. I did my best to stay calm and collected and help Eli. Many hours later, they took Leo away.

Eli asked me to help call Leo’s parents who didn’t know he was gay or married. He used Leo’s phone, and called his mom but she thought he was joking. He cried so hard I had to take over and break her heart myself.

Eli called his friends and family, begging to come be with him. Eventually Eli’s cousins came but didn’t stay long. I stayed till late night, ordered food, cleaned, etc We watched TV under the same blanket I used to cover Leo’s body. I didn’t sleep that night.

Next day his cousins came back for short time and left a mess. Multiple times Eli’s family and friends mentioned “Luckily that girl lives in the same building”. I started feeling I’m being used as an excuse to not step up.

Eventually, I got home and slept. As I woke up I realized I physically can’t go back there. Just the thought of entering that apartment makes me shake.

Eli kept calling me and I didn’t respond. I eventually texted him I got sick. But he keeps calling me. I’m afraid if I answer he’ll cry and ask me to come.

I feel deeply affected by what happened. I keep seeing flashbacks. I’m afraid to leave my apartment because I’m afraid to run into Eli. I was already depressed and I’m so so lonely. I don’t have any support system. My therapy doesn’t start for another two weeks. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I feel so guilty for ghosting Eli in this horrible situation when his whole world collapsed.